Light & Sweet:
Don’t do desperate; it’s not becoming to any of us and is least likely to get us what we want.
Little Red Jeep
I first spotted my Grown-Up-Boy-Scout Chuck when he was driving a little red jeep back in high school. I bothered my friends (about how cute he was) so they bothered his friends (about how cute I was). Together they convinced Chuck to ask me out. We dated a bit and went to his senior prom. Yippee.I wore a hand-made dress (not the courtier type) and he donned a light blue tux with tails. Yes, like the one in the movie, “Big.” After the prom, Chuck waited a courteous two weeks to break up with me. He took me out for an ice-cream in his little red jeep and said the dreaded words, “I just want to be friends.” After a long pause, I found some self-respect and replied, (while slowly moving my head back and forth and 
scrunching my face) “Hum, no thanks. I have enough friends. But thanks anyway. Bye.”
Side Dish:
Just like the book says (referenced below), if he or she isn’t into you, then find someone who is. This sound advice doesn’t only apply to a significant other but to any relationship: Friend, neighbor, boss, coach, dean of admissions, merchant, doctor or client. Don’t do desperate; it’s not becoming to any of us and is least likely to get us what we want.
Extra Helping:
It took Chuck and I a year to get the timing right and be “Into one another.” More than thirty years later, we’re still tooling around in a little red jeep and eating ice cream. We learned the steps of the distancer-pursuer dance and finally, take turns leading. (See The Distancer and the Pursuer written by Tom Fogarty: http://www.lartin-drake.com/distancer.pdf.) While it’s important to find a balance in all aspects of our lives, it’s particularly important to find a healthy distribution of power in our primary relationships. With the healthiest couples I know, each partner considers herself (or himself) to be the, “Lucky one.” My friends and I tell our daughters, “Marry someone who adores you slightly more than you adore him.” We’re half-kidding but want to drive the point home that at the very least, he must be into you! I consider He’s Just Not That Into You, written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, to be the dating bible because it convinces readers: Don’t do desperate because groveling won’t get you what you want: Him or Her. (Though I think the movie lost the argument.)
Palate Cleanser:
Our boundaries define how others will treat us.
One for the Road:
When my mother was living with us, Lucy bounced through the guest room doorway and announced, “Mom-Mom, I came in first at the middle school track meet. I beat the boys and the girls.” My mother leaned forward with this grandmotherly advice, “Oh honey, that’s no way to get a date!”
6-26-2010 1:10pm
“Build it and they will come?” Not always. Sometimes there are just no investors, and we have to take our toys, our time, our energy, elsewhere. I have found it helpful to ask aloud, “Do you want to invest in this with me, or should we let it go?” What I get is either, “Yes, we/I have let things slide, let’s get back on track,” with an encouraging result, or “No,” which can be heartbreaking but initiates a grieving process that is going to happen anyway. And, of course, a non-response to my question, or an evasive change of topic or diversion elsewhere, tells me that the closeness that I seek is very circumscribed and that I will have to decide how much energy I want to put into a limited relationship. Distance/Pursuit, & Over/Underfunctioning is truly worth looking at. It’s not fair to expect others to want what we want WHEN we want it. They may come back for a second look, but there is no point in spinning our wheels trying to motivate someone to salivate who does not want to read the menu.